Tired dreary eyes, exhaustion, but so worth it. I love spending time with my girlfriends, and last night was no exception. A fun Silpada jewelry party,e  which we finally left from at midnight after helping friend Shea pack up, we decided we were hungry so made a speedy run to Sheetz for subs and wraps, which we gobbled down back at Shea's. Talking, laughing, eating, friends that love you just the way you are...things I love! Going to bed at 2:30, can't say  I love, but worth the quality time spend up..Love you guys!

I miss her so much tonight. I can't sleep, I just lay here thinking about mom, about how hard she fought, about combing her hair into a braid, sitting by her bed, talking to her, sharing with her about the children, the fun little things they do, seeing her smile, hearing her say I love you, the hugs she would make you come back in for if you forgot,Oh God I miss her so..I don't understand why things happen the way they do, why she wasn't spared of this disease..how when I felt like I could handle this and I was ok, I am now a puddle of tears and mess and empty sad feelings..Its been so much harder to smile lately, and not think, thats how I deal, I just don't think about things, I don't allow myself to go to that place, but its getting harder to hold that in.I don't know how to explain to anyone this awful empty miserable feelings I have. I have been so crabby lately, had no patience with the kids, with Anthony, snapping at them left and right. I feel so on edge with them, like my patience has been maxed out, and there is absolutely nothing left...Its been almost 2 months now, its still hard for me to believe she is gone. to talk to her one more time, to call her up and hear her voice, oh , I miss her voice..God bring me peace, and comfort, please guide me thru this...it seems so impossible right now..

Lazy rainy day

This has turned out to be a lazy day, altho that was not my intention at all. I set my alarm for 6:30, excited for all the things I would get done before taking the kids to bible school, but I slept right thru it. Woke up a little after 8, the kids bible school started at 9, so I woke them up, rushed them to the car, without a hearty or healthy breakfast I should add, and raced into town to get them somewhere which I had no idea where, on time. They were only a few minutes late, but I did forget lunches. and a blanket. and sunscreen, thank you for the rain, God.

So far I have washed one load of laundry and cleaned up the table from lunch, and that is about it. Not a very profitable day at all. And I need to get on the move as I don't know how much I will be home this week. This going every day is wearing on me, I really miss life as "normal", at least our normal. I feel really selfish today, and out of sorts. Need to get something accomplished, but don't feel like doing anything. Maybe its the rain, yeah, I think I will blame it on the rain....

I am having a hard time emotionally right now. One minute I am okay, the next minute, I am in tears, one minute I feel confident and like I am on top of things, the next I feel friendless, so alone,so destitute,  and like the weight of this will crush me. Life is up, and then its down again. I will find joy in my children, a rainbow, laughing with a friend, and then my mind starts thinking again, and I sink way low. I feel like summer is passing me by, friends are spending time at the pool, having each other over for dinners, going on vacations, and I am spending day after day, freezing in my moms room,  struggling to smile while my teeth are chattering, trying to not miss a step when I enter the room and am greeted with the smell of hospital and sickness, smoothing things over constantly between my aunts and my sister, who are having the hardest time keeping from offending and hurting each other. How do I wake up and go another day, keeping my head up when I really just want to lay in bed and cry, how do I not think about the sadness and hurt that mom is feeling right now, knowing that her body is struggling, that its getting harder to breathe, harder to eat, harder to sleep, and even just lay without being in pain..
I am so happy to be home tonight, I need to recharge a bit, and get a bit of "normal" in. Also to spend some time with God. To much getting up and going, and not enough sitting and listening to Him. How can He be the Author of my life, If I am rushing on ahead of Him and His plan for me? Lord, Help me to spend that time with you tomorrow, to just enjoy sitting in your prescence, listening to your voice.

Strong enough

Watch "Strong Enough by Matthew West" on YouTube

Life as we Know it

What a crazy few weeks and months its been here. A lot has happened in this past little while, the biggest of which has been my moms cancer. This has to be the hardest time in my life right now, not to mention my moms. She has been diagnosed with sarcomatoid renal cell carcinoma, a very aggressive and fast moving cancer. As I sit here on her bed, and reflect on this past while, I wonder how this can be our life now. I remember a while back thinking how blessed our family has been, to have so far been relatively unscathed by this terrible disease. And now, in the matter of 2 months to find out not only has it affected our family, it is slowly stealing my mom of her life. She lays beside me, not the sassy nothing going to stop her woman, already scarred by a battery blowing up in her face, the loss of a eye, metal wire thrown out of a lawn mower that could have cost her her leg, a woman who has driven her husband to and from work every single day because he is legally blind and can't drive himself, who has shouldered so much of lifes load be cause my dad couldn't always do the things that needed done, cared for a daughter who developed diabetes at the age of four, who has serious eye problems of her own, requiring countless eye surgeries, only to be stopped now, at the age of 60, with something that has no cure, no fix all, we have been given no hope, no promise of the next week, the next day. How do you function? I mean of course we all know there is no promise of tomorrow, we could all die at any time, but to have it so defined, a week to a month, its so there, in your face.
Of course, we know who knows the number of our days, no surgeon, dr, or nurse truly knows when we will draw our last breath, only God, who sees the little sparrows fall, who knows the  number of hairs on our head, who is the Maker and Giver of life, only he knows when our time is up, when He calls us Home.
Lord, help me trust in you. Help me put my faith in you, and you alone. Only you can give me strength to walk thru these broken dreams and shattered hearts, the strength to sit each day by Moms side, with a smile on my face, like my heart is not in a million pieces inside, like my mind is not full of all the things that I will never do with my mom again, the strength to not break into sobs when my mom rolls to the side and I can see the indent of the tumors thru her shirt that are slowly or maybe I should say quickly taking over her insides. To get me thru when every time  I say goodbye, I'm not sure that Ill get the chance to ever tell my mom again that I love her.
My favorite song right now is Matthew West,...strong enough..the words are so what I'm feeling...

My favorite ThinNNNGs! (Oprah style!)

New haircuts! that make you feel so fresh and pretty. I finally feel like I have a little style in my life ;)

My new stove cooktop! I have been  cooking with 2 small and 1 big burner for the past couple of years since my other big burner gave out. Getting a little extra money at the end of the year, we have been checking out Lowes for a new top. They are so expensive, so what a incredible answer to a unspoken prayer was finding a listing for a BRAND NEW cooktop on Craigslist. My super handy husband did a lot of  squeezing and cutting, and Voila!-4 burners! Nice new quick cooking ones! So excited to try it out, altho for some reason Im cooking everything in the oven tonight..Ritz cracker chicken, and yummy Alexia waffle fries. and green beans to make it healthy. For some reason I have had no desire to cook lately! Gotta get back in the swing of things!

A new bathtub upstairs! Its in the working anyways, which is more than  its been for the last couple of months. Makes me happy!

Learning to love and accept myself for who I am. Stepping out, trying new things, being myself, I don't know that I have the right words to describe what I mean. Growing up, we were defined by what we wore, what church we went to, who are parents were or were related to, that was what made you "in". I was a poor girl from a 1st generation Mennonite family, who didn't always have the nice clothes and the right shoes to wear to the school program. Not coming from a "traditional" mennonite family meant not being accepted at face value, but being looked at as different, and judged accordingly. Whereas it used to bother me to be different, I am learning how its my differences that make me who I am. I should not be defined by the way I dress, by the church I go to or the groups I belong to, by how clean my house is or by how well behaved my children are (or are not). I want to be a good mom, a cry on my shoulder, love me thru thick and thin kind of friend, a awesome wife, a devote follower of God, trusting Him in everything, a better sister and daughter, the best that God has made me to be, not being consumed by the things that so many of us (including myself, Ive been guilty of this as well!) think are what makes us.