I am having a hard time emotionally right now. One minute I am okay, the next minute, I am in tears, one minute I feel confident and like I am on top of things, the next I feel friendless, so alone,so destitute,  and like the weight of this will crush me. Life is up, and then its down again. I will find joy in my children, a rainbow, laughing with a friend, and then my mind starts thinking again, and I sink way low. I feel like summer is passing me by, friends are spending time at the pool, having each other over for dinners, going on vacations, and I am spending day after day, freezing in my moms room,  struggling to smile while my teeth are chattering, trying to not miss a step when I enter the room and am greeted with the smell of hospital and sickness, smoothing things over constantly between my aunts and my sister, who are having the hardest time keeping from offending and hurting each other. How do I wake up and go another day, keeping my head up when I really just want to lay in bed and cry, how do I not think about the sadness and hurt that mom is feeling right now, knowing that her body is struggling, that its getting harder to breathe, harder to eat, harder to sleep, and even just lay without being in pain..
I am so happy to be home tonight, I need to recharge a bit, and get a bit of "normal" in. Also to spend some time with God. To much getting up and going, and not enough sitting and listening to Him. How can He be the Author of my life, If I am rushing on ahead of Him and His plan for me? Lord, Help me to spend that time with you tomorrow, to just enjoy sitting in your prescence, listening to your voice.