The days keep passing, each one, a day further away from the last time I saw mom, spoke with her, held her hand, whispered " I love you". It still seems like yesterday in some ways, and in others, a eternity has passed since we were together.  A friend asked me the other day what I spoke of with her the last time we talked.

June 1, 2010 (Anthony and I's 9th anniversary) was the one of the worst days of my life. Those words uttered in that crowded hospital room changed my life forever. After 2 chemo treatments, the aggressive cancer growing in my moms abdomen had not been affected, at least not in the ways planned, it had instead doubled in size and was now as big as, if not bigger than the 7lb tumor that had already been removed from her kidney. There was nothing more that could be done, just waiting...waiting for the life to be drained out of her. I remember sitting behind mom, after we had wheeled her thru the hall, waiting outside the room for blood to be drawn, to see if a transfusion was necessary, rubbing her back, trying to hold back my tears, not wanting to break down in front of her and upset her..she sat there so calmy, just being handed a death sentence from the doctor, it was just a matter of time..We left in shock, my sisters and I sat in Woodgrill, unable to choke down much of anything, it all sinking in, she would be gone soon.

I spent as much time as  I could with her, leaving my children with friends and family, coming home for the night, and then driving the hour and a half back to be with her the next day. Mom's sisters came and stayed with her, helping her with medicines and showers, and us kids would come during the days, sitting with her, reading to her, watching movies with her, trying to get her to eat. She ate so little, the medicine making it hard for her to keep much down, or at least feel like she could.

She spoke very little of death, each day praying for strength, for her family, for her sisters, each day believing she would be healed. Praying for healing. We all did.

I do not know why God took mom home July 24, 2010. I do not understand why she had to suffer thru all she did. I know I probably never will understand. Why does anything happen  the way it does?


The last day I visited with mom was a Friday. Friday the 22nd of July. The last day we spoke..

Goals

Some of my goals this year, to love harder, to laugh longer, to let myself be spontaneous and fun with the kids, to not worry about getting hurt, but to put myself out there more, to always be myself, and to love myself, to not take things so personally, to give grace to others, to never assume, to go on more dates, to lean on God, to read my Bible more, and to seek Him continuously, to put others before myself, to give more hugs, to embrace life, seeking my purpose here on this earth, to not take on myself the things others think I should, but instead only on what God gives me, be a better listener, teach my kids compassion and sensitivity to others, and how to love themselves for the special beings God created them to be, try more recipes, to always value the time I spend with loved ones, and say I love you more..

So, if your reading this, I love you!! There, look, Im already keeping my resolutions =)

I have been pinning things left and right on the wonderful world of Pinterest..I also have a few projects that I hope to complete this year, like this great way to display my kids art Masterpiece wall or this Petticoat or some of these yummy caramel apple bites, and of course these adorable bunny rolls for Easter!  

Another think I hope to keep up better is this blog! I always feel a little intimidated sitting down to write anything on here, with all the wonderful bloggers out there like this great lady or so talented like these gals!

But hey, God's teaching me, there is no one like me, just jump in and do it! I m not writing for fame or glory, just to keep my little families memories. If no one reads this, then no ones the worse, and I still have my kid's lives documented. Thats the plan, Stan!  

Tired dreary eyes, exhaustion, but so worth it. I love spending time with my girlfriends, and last night was no exception. A fun Silpada jewelry party,e  which we finally left from at midnight after helping friend Shea pack up, we decided we were hungry so made a speedy run to Sheetz for subs and wraps, which we gobbled down back at Shea's. Talking, laughing, eating, friends that love you just the way you are...things I love! Going to bed at 2:30, can't say  I love, but worth the quality time spend up..Love you guys!

I miss her so much tonight. I can't sleep, I just lay here thinking about mom, about how hard she fought, about combing her hair into a braid, sitting by her bed, talking to her, sharing with her about the children, the fun little things they do, seeing her smile, hearing her say I love you, the hugs she would make you come back in for if you forgot,Oh God I miss her so..I don't understand why things happen the way they do, why she wasn't spared of this disease..how when I felt like I could handle this and I was ok, I am now a puddle of tears and mess and empty sad feelings..Its been so much harder to smile lately, and not think, thats how I deal, I just don't think about things, I don't allow myself to go to that place, but its getting harder to hold that in.I don't know how to explain to anyone this awful empty miserable feelings I have. I have been so crabby lately, had no patience with the kids, with Anthony, snapping at them left and right. I feel so on edge with them, like my patience has been maxed out, and there is absolutely nothing left...Its been almost 2 months now, its still hard for me to believe she is gone. to talk to her one more time, to call her up and hear her voice, oh , I miss her voice..God bring me peace, and comfort, please guide me thru this...it seems so impossible right now..

Lazy rainy day

This has turned out to be a lazy day, altho that was not my intention at all. I set my alarm for 6:30, excited for all the things I would get done before taking the kids to bible school, but I slept right thru it. Woke up a little after 8, the kids bible school started at 9, so I woke them up, rushed them to the car, without a hearty or healthy breakfast I should add, and raced into town to get them somewhere which I had no idea where, on time. They were only a few minutes late, but I did forget lunches. and a blanket. and sunscreen, thank you for the rain, God.

So far I have washed one load of laundry and cleaned up the table from lunch, and that is about it. Not a very profitable day at all. And I need to get on the move as I don't know how much I will be home this week. This going every day is wearing on me, I really miss life as "normal", at least our normal. I feel really selfish today, and out of sorts. Need to get something accomplished, but don't feel like doing anything. Maybe its the rain, yeah, I think I will blame it on the rain....

I am having a hard time emotionally right now. One minute I am okay, the next minute, I am in tears, one minute I feel confident and like I am on top of things, the next I feel friendless, so alone,so destitute,  and like the weight of this will crush me. Life is up, and then its down again. I will find joy in my children, a rainbow, laughing with a friend, and then my mind starts thinking again, and I sink way low. I feel like summer is passing me by, friends are spending time at the pool, having each other over for dinners, going on vacations, and I am spending day after day, freezing in my moms room,  struggling to smile while my teeth are chattering, trying to not miss a step when I enter the room and am greeted with the smell of hospital and sickness, smoothing things over constantly between my aunts and my sister, who are having the hardest time keeping from offending and hurting each other. How do I wake up and go another day, keeping my head up when I really just want to lay in bed and cry, how do I not think about the sadness and hurt that mom is feeling right now, knowing that her body is struggling, that its getting harder to breathe, harder to eat, harder to sleep, and even just lay without being in pain..
I am so happy to be home tonight, I need to recharge a bit, and get a bit of "normal" in. Also to spend some time with God. To much getting up and going, and not enough sitting and listening to Him. How can He be the Author of my life, If I am rushing on ahead of Him and His plan for me? Lord, Help me to spend that time with you tomorrow, to just enjoy sitting in your prescence, listening to your voice.

Strong enough

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