Lazy rainy day

This has turned out to be a lazy day, altho that was not my intention at all. I set my alarm for 6:30, excited for all the things I would get done before taking the kids to bible school, but I slept right thru it. Woke up a little after 8, the kids bible school started at 9, so I woke them up, rushed them to the car, without a hearty or healthy breakfast I should add, and raced into town to get them somewhere which I had no idea where, on time. They were only a few minutes late, but I did forget lunches. and a blanket. and sunscreen, thank you for the rain, God.

So far I have washed one load of laundry and cleaned up the table from lunch, and that is about it. Not a very profitable day at all. And I need to get on the move as I don't know how much I will be home this week. This going every day is wearing on me, I really miss life as "normal", at least our normal. I feel really selfish today, and out of sorts. Need to get something accomplished, but don't feel like doing anything. Maybe its the rain, yeah, I think I will blame it on the rain....

I am having a hard time emotionally right now. One minute I am okay, the next minute, I am in tears, one minute I feel confident and like I am on top of things, the next I feel friendless, so alone,so destitute,  and like the weight of this will crush me. Life is up, and then its down again. I will find joy in my children, a rainbow, laughing with a friend, and then my mind starts thinking again, and I sink way low. I feel like summer is passing me by, friends are spending time at the pool, having each other over for dinners, going on vacations, and I am spending day after day, freezing in my moms room,  struggling to smile while my teeth are chattering, trying to not miss a step when I enter the room and am greeted with the smell of hospital and sickness, smoothing things over constantly between my aunts and my sister, who are having the hardest time keeping from offending and hurting each other. How do I wake up and go another day, keeping my head up when I really just want to lay in bed and cry, how do I not think about the sadness and hurt that mom is feeling right now, knowing that her body is struggling, that its getting harder to breathe, harder to eat, harder to sleep, and even just lay without being in pain..
I am so happy to be home tonight, I need to recharge a bit, and get a bit of "normal" in. Also to spend some time with God. To much getting up and going, and not enough sitting and listening to Him. How can He be the Author of my life, If I am rushing on ahead of Him and His plan for me? Lord, Help me to spend that time with you tomorrow, to just enjoy sitting in your prescence, listening to your voice.

Strong enough

Watch "Strong Enough by Matthew West" on YouTube

Life as we Know it

What a crazy few weeks and months its been here. A lot has happened in this past little while, the biggest of which has been my moms cancer. This has to be the hardest time in my life right now, not to mention my moms. She has been diagnosed with sarcomatoid renal cell carcinoma, a very aggressive and fast moving cancer. As I sit here on her bed, and reflect on this past while, I wonder how this can be our life now. I remember a while back thinking how blessed our family has been, to have so far been relatively unscathed by this terrible disease. And now, in the matter of 2 months to find out not only has it affected our family, it is slowly stealing my mom of her life. She lays beside me, not the sassy nothing going to stop her woman, already scarred by a battery blowing up in her face, the loss of a eye, metal wire thrown out of a lawn mower that could have cost her her leg, a woman who has driven her husband to and from work every single day because he is legally blind and can't drive himself, who has shouldered so much of lifes load be cause my dad couldn't always do the things that needed done, cared for a daughter who developed diabetes at the age of four, who has serious eye problems of her own, requiring countless eye surgeries, only to be stopped now, at the age of 60, with something that has no cure, no fix all, we have been given no hope, no promise of the next week, the next day. How do you function? I mean of course we all know there is no promise of tomorrow, we could all die at any time, but to have it so defined, a week to a month, its so there, in your face.
Of course, we know who knows the number of our days, no surgeon, dr, or nurse truly knows when we will draw our last breath, only God, who sees the little sparrows fall, who knows the  number of hairs on our head, who is the Maker and Giver of life, only he knows when our time is up, when He calls us Home.
Lord, help me trust in you. Help me put my faith in you, and you alone. Only you can give me strength to walk thru these broken dreams and shattered hearts, the strength to sit each day by Moms side, with a smile on my face, like my heart is not in a million pieces inside, like my mind is not full of all the things that I will never do with my mom again, the strength to not break into sobs when my mom rolls to the side and I can see the indent of the tumors thru her shirt that are slowly or maybe I should say quickly taking over her insides. To get me thru when every time  I say goodbye, I'm not sure that Ill get the chance to ever tell my mom again that I love her.
My favorite song right now is Matthew West,...strong enough..the words are so what I'm feeling...